My Experiment

    Today is day 318 of my one-year experiment. I would have started this blog sooner, tracking the days as I went but the business of adjusting to my experiment got in the way of it actually happening. Added to that, was a strange fear filling me up every time I thought about writing about myself publicly. So I just kept to myself. But now I no longer want to. Now I'm ready to talk.

    There are many reasons for this but a main one is that I am looking for kindred spirits on this journey, others doing their own experiments, in their own way, in their own time, but doing them nonetheless. I've read about these people online and in books. I've followed their journeys with a voraciousness born out of loneliness, confusion, and yes, sometimes desperation. Sitting on the fringes as I began my own experiment on July 30th, 2019, I felt I needed to connect with others who understood. I would soon come to know how difficult this is to do in real life. This is mostly because of the nature of my experiment I think. In my neck of the woods, in my social circles, it isn't exactly a popular undertaking, but I did it anyway, and here I am, telling the tale.

    On July 30th, last summer, I woke up after a particularly long day turned into night of binge-drinking and decided, "Today is the day. Today is day 1 of my one-year experiment. Today I am giving up alcohol for one year". Reading that, I make it sound so simple, like I decided and just did it. But what isn't included in that decision is the agonizing two years before I got to that place, two years of stops and starts, trial and error, as I attempted over and over again to ditch the booze, and make it stick. As I reflect back on it now though, I can see how all of this is interconnected and makes sense, how I couldn't just decide once and do it, how I needed the two years before in order to get me to a more ready place. I can see how those two years were indeed the training exercises for this marathon in which I now find myself. I get it. 

    And it is true that I'm in a marathon now, gaining momentum here, losing it there, stopping to rest sometimes, but ultimately never stopping completely, never giving up. It is also true that the world I now live in is richer, brighter, fat with promise and hope. It is a calmer world where getting adequate sleep and waking up without a hangover are things I celebrate regularly. However, it is also a world where I meet and hang out with my emotions all the time. All emotions, even the yucky ones. All the time. Without running or numbing. Ever. Who does this? Fools and brave people, that's who. I am both.