I have a few routines and traditions during the holiday season, and one of them is to watch "It's a Wonderful Life". I'm not really sure when this started. It wasn't a tradition in our house growing up. It was something I grabbed onto I think in my late 20s, and it stuck around. Truth be told, it more than stuck around. It's not just a thing I do because I'm supposed to, or because I started it, therefore need to continue it. No, it's something I do because it has meaning for me, because it reminds me of things that matter, and because it fills me up with warm, fuzzy, loving feelings... and that is never a bad thing.
I've tried to pull my 17 year old son into my now decades long yearly ritual of watching this movie, in various ways, telling him the themes are timeless, that it's a classic, a treasure, something he also needs to incorporate into his holiday season. He has now watched it three times with me. I don't remember 3 times, more like 1.5, but he insisted adamantly the other day that it has been three... three hate-filled times. He has declared more than once, "I hate that movie". Although part of me feels the sting of his words and wants to ditch my indoctrination attempts with him, another part won't give up. In fact, that other part clings fiercely to the mission: To make my son see how fabulous this movie really is.
So my mission got me thinking and asking myself a few questions. Why DO I like this movie so much? Why does the holiday season somehow not feel complete unless I've watched it? Why can I watch this movie over and over again, and not get tired of it (especially being a person who tires of things quickly)? Why does it affect my emotions the way it does?
This year, I actually found myself tearing up a few times as I watched it, an odd experience because crying is not something I usually associate with this film. In context, the tears might have more to do with current circumstances rather than the movie itself. Due to the social distancing that is now required of every human on this planet, I spent Christmas Eve alone-- something I have only done once before in my life, and that was because I had a nasty flu, so it doesn't really count because I was too sick then to care. But this year, I did care. And this year, my ritual of watching It's a Wonderful Life took on even more importance. This year, it was a life raft of sorts. I clung to that thing like it was the only thing to cling to in a weird sea of alienation. And it saved me.
As I sat on my couch and watched it, under blankets and cozy in my pjs, with food I'd ordered in so I didn't have to cook, I slowly felt myself filling up with all the right emotions. Where sadness and disappointment were a few hours before, in its place now were hope, love, and joy. Where I had been focusing on my aloneness, feeling cut off from the human contact I so desperately wanted, the focus now shifted. I was reminded of our interconnectedness, of the ways we affect one another, of how we come together when we need to. But most of all, I was reminded of the love we feel for our partner, family and friends, and how it is that love that matters most of all. I was reminded, in essence, of all the things I am normally reminded of each time I watch the movie.
When George Bailey leans over the same railing of the bridge he had only hours earlier thought to jump from and end his life, but this time in his leaning, he is praying, "Please God, let me live again. I want to live again" (or something like that), my heart fills and occupies more space in my body than it did before. It happens every time. His plea is a reminder of how precious and beautiful this life is. When he realizes he has been granted his prayer and runs screaming with joy through the streets of Bedford Falls, savouring everything and everyone along the way, I'm reminded of all those things and people that I savour in my life, and how I need to spend more time savouring and less time complaining. When Clarence the angel tells George, "See George, you really did have a wonderful life", it makes me think of the infinite ways that life is indeed wonderful. And that is never a bad thing. So I will continue my tradition of watching "It's a Wonderful Life" every holiday season, under my blankets, with the lights of the Christmas tree twinkling in the background, because I love it that much.
